#6 - Lovy Dovy here I go

Well, you asked for more, and here it is; raw, untainted, unEdi/id.

This post comes in honour of my 4 month anniversary with my darling, my love Cassie. It comes to you a day early, but extenuating circumstances prevent me from doing otherwise. For all those of you who came in search of random shenanigans with no aim or purpose, I apologize, because today's endeavors have a theme, a motif, a reason; the only reason that seems to keep me going as of late.

If I were an eccentric billionaire, I would experience the world with my sweet angel. It would begin, of course, rather creepily, and very stupidly, but alas that is "how I roll." Under the veil of having won a contest I would treat Cassie and her family to an all-expenses-paid vacation, beginning with a ride to the airport via limousine. The limousine driver would be none other than a clean cut, clean shaven, sleek Pat, who speaks in a british accent and goes by the alias "Bentley."

Arriving at the airport, they would be greeted by the pilot of their private jet (a slightly more russian than usual Pat, referred to as "Ugar"). A scenic flight to the Carribean would only be interrupted by an incident in which Ugar becomes drunk at the controls, demands unsalted cashews and attempts to sing Motley Crüe's "Girls! Girls! Girls!" (Ugar is later voted "off the plane" but manages to remain aboard after agreeing to let little Pat fly the plane for a little while.)(Trust in Ugar becomes shaky when he gives Cassie a private tour of the cockpit.)

Shortly after landing at a privately owned resort everyone would be introduced to their guide and Cabana boy; Pepe (ok, he'd just be a little South American kid with spunk, I think it's funnier that way. Occasionally he would say phrases such as "Eh, look at the cha-chas on that one" when observing a rooster.) The stay would be accented with every luxury, activities like rock-climbing, kayaking, swimming with dolphins, ranting about the government and drawing nudes of "ski-mask guy." The stay however, would be "cut short" after Cassie's scandalous love affair with Heffe the pool boy, a tanned, black-haired and mustacheod Pat with a light mexican accent.

Fortunately, they would leave right on time to catch an Atlantic cruise all the way home. The Captain would reveal himself to be... Hans, a South-African, goateed Pat. Fun in the sun and fine dining at the Captain's table would be the norm aboard the Atlantis, and so it goes until docking.

Upon arrival they are greeted once again by Bentley, and the drive would prove to be rather uneventful until Bentley snootishly declares; "I say, there's so many poor people everywhere, must be the Irish, they have children by the dozen, like rabbits you kno-" and he would stiffen behind the wheel and with an expression of fear mixed with anticipation, turn slightly to look over his shoulder at the passengers, and for a moment there would be complete, tense silence, broken only by the sound of the rising tinted divider.

A return home woud be met by a stranger awaiting in the living room, dressed in Safari outfit with an absolutely snootish appearance, pipe in hand. And rising to the entrances of the homeowners would say (in the snootiest of British); "You, my friends, have been duped. I am Sir Reginald Humphrey the Third, of Scotland Yard, and I have unraveled an intricate plot. Your driver, pilot, pool boy and Captain, are one and the same; a mister Patrick is his real name. (all look at little Pat) No, no, the other one (ohs). And this Pat has duped you once more...For I am he!" (Dramatic unravelling of a previously unnoticed cape, and removal of the Safari Cap reveals the Illustrious me. (Everyone just looks at me with an expression that screams "You're so stupid, Ya bloodjy Idjut." For they all know what I look like and I did a terrible job of disguising myself.)

After this amusing yet unnervingly stupid scene, I would make it a point to sweep Cassie off her feet with voyages to South America, sidetrips through Europe (especially Ireland and Poland) and world tours dotted with sejours in Japan. And thus ends my adventure dedicated solely to you my love.