#2 - TRUMPenaughts assemble!

Now I know I promised no personal sob stories, but this next item demands a little background.

Throughout my senior years in high school (secondary 4 and 5) I have had one single arch nemesis (well for this post anyways) a man so devious, so maniacal, and so sinister in his nature that even the best of students tremble at his tests. His grinch-like smirk has been forever burnt into our cornea and riddles our nightmares, followed closely by his unforgettable laugh; so child-like it can almost be considered innocent. The perfect snare.

He is Ying-Bak, Science Warrior. *Ying pops up, Ramboesque bandana tied around his head, in a “go time” position* “I’ll balance your equation! PEANUT!!” *jab to the left BAM!* “Find the Keq of this system!” *jab to the right BAM!*
“Feel the momentum, of my FIST!” *uppercut finale, blackout*

Our only hope against this great evil is the valiant Mr. E, Math Detective, although prone to his own bouts of menace, only his mathematical precision can stop the madness.
“E = mSEE YOU IN HELL!!!” *C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER*

But I digress, back to Ying if only for a moment, he’s really not as bad as he sounds, but don’t take him lightly. The grade just behind us made that mistake, and they paid for it, with a handwritten copy of the first act of Anthony and Cleopatra a piece. Make no mistake however; we have had our moments of fun, like that time in his office when he and McVeigh performed their rendition of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.” Or that time he yelled “Patrick get your hand off my breast!” and all those in the hallway were none the wiser to what had actually happened in that office. Of course, who could forget the time Andrei went up to his behemoth of a desk to ask for help, and was quickly sent away with a fluttery hand gesture and a curt “go away”.

Many a student has fallen under a temperamental Ying, and it is for them that I create this next item. Now it has come to my attention in recent months that Ying is an avid fan of Donald Trump, oooooooooooooh the possibilities…

If I were an eccentric billionaire, I would serve Ying poetic justice. I would hire Mr. Trump for just one day, fly him to my high school and have him hand Ying his patented “You’re fired.” I can imagine it now, Ying walking to his classroom, little wooden box of tricks in hand, a quizzical expression passing over his face as he notices the door is already open. The expression would rapidly mutate as soon as he crosses the doorstep, and sees who is waiting for him inside. Any camera footage capturing the event would turn to slow motion as Ying would drop his box, tennis ball hall passes bouncing out as the box hits the floor with a dramatic slam. A ball would roll to a stop once it hit Mr. Trump’s shoe, only to be picked up by the imposing man. After picking it up and tossing it up into the air, he would look straight into Ying’s eyes and say, “You’re fired.” His face would be a melting pot of shock, awe and helplessness, his lack for words and his reduction to a blubbering mass of science teacher would be priceless.

Oh how I pity any that venture into the demented realm of my imagination.

#1 - One of many, to be sure

If I were an eccentric billionaire the first thing I would do is retrieve this "to-do" list, not a particularly eccentric act, right?



Wrong!



It's how I would go about it; most would simply remember the url, or sign in and find it, but would I? No. I would buy the servers that host all of blogspot.com just to say I own them. Of course it wouldn't end there, nooo, dissatisfied with the number of comments on my blog I would hire an army of high priced lawyers to comment at least twice on each post, but here's the clincher; they wouldn't be allowed to read any of the posts beforehand.

To add insult to injury, I would tell them that any comment that displeases me will result in mass firings and many ruined lives. (I would imagine that some will be compelled to end their suffering right there and then, but where's the fun in that?)

Now let's add in a sandtrap and a waterhazard; each comment would be edited before being posted, edited by a Monkey. Hilarity and monkey noises ensue.

Something tells me the final product would be a home pc covered in monkey fesces, banana peels and a few unposted comments that would look something like this:

Dan 63 said...

nbdoa owo d diow oister sandwich monkey fart. wueo ew XCMNUE WOW IWW POO

(added fun, try saying that out loud with a straight face)

The fun's not over yet kids! Next I would let loose my army of weaselese lawyers upon the masses of innocent people that have blogs registered here with nothing more than a few simple instructions; post quotes from conversations or television shows that can be associated to the post being commented on, but that don't make any sense out of context.

Sneak peak; check the first 4 comments on this post.

If I had a million dollars...

Well, billion to be precise.

Welcome one and all to my venture into blogging. Rather than following the apparently chic trend of turning server hosted webspace into my own personal sob story, I've (along with some support) decided to make a list of any and everything I would do were I an eccentric billionaire.

For days now my mind has been boiling with ridiculously humourous ideas of what to do with truckloads of non-existant money. The most random things have come up; including but not limited to a city in the sky, and children being scared half to death by a "ball pit monster."

Thus each new post that follows will chronicle something different that I would do, were I an eccentric billionaire. Enjoy, and If you don't, no one's forcing you to read. (Slap yourself on the forehead if you thought otherwise)