#7 - On a whim

I won't bore you with the detais; I'm busy, CEGEP has started, I'm tired yadda yadda yadda. However, since my musings have met acceptable praise and my ego hasn't taken any major blows yet, I'll delight you all with another.

If I were an eccentric billionaire, I would do anything and everything my friends and I muse about doing, just like that, on a whim.

For example, way back in May, just a few measly days before Seb's birthday, we were watching the school talent show and for some God forsaken reason we began talking about what he was going to get, and moments later we saw a variety of instruments being played on stage and pondered as to why no one played the accordion. I, in my usual jesting manner, turned to him in anger and pronounced; "Seb, we are not getting you an accordion for your birthday."
In his shocked and defensive manner he rebuked; "I will be severely disappointed in all of you if you do not get me an accordion for my birthday. Dammit, now I really want one."
"But Seb, you don't know how to play the accordion."
"I know, but I still want one."

If I were an eccentric billionaire, you would have that accordion my friend, and you would be able to squeeze pull your little heart out on that thing. Of course it would sound like a wombat masturbating, but I would let it go on. Not only that, but I would set up a record label in Sweden to launch your debut album "Acc-attack." The cover art would most likely be a picture of Seb "rocking on" with an accordion. He would be the hit of the Swedish underground circuit and take Europe by storm.

This is just a sample of many, but I think another deserves mention:

The Dollar Store Samurai vs. Ratrick

Is the title of a low-budget movie Jems, Seb and myself had contemplated one muggy afternoon after school.

The Dollar store Samurai vs. Ratrick (2005)
Directed by
Jems

Writing credits (WGA)
Jems (written by) &
Pat (written by) ...

Genre: Comedy

Tagline: When all else fails, use a frisbee.

Plot Summary: A phantom of the opera-style dollar-store samurai (Seb) must defend his home from an evil invader (Pat) who seeks to destroy all cheap goods.

User Comments: Great fun to watch and guaranteed to leave you in stitches, especially after the scene in which Ratrick dives across an alleyway and rolls along the floor firing his flintlock style umbrellas at the DSS. Excellent directing and interesting use of props.

User Rating: *******___ 9.8/10 (636 votes)

Cast overview, first billed only:
Seb .... The Dollar store Samurai
Pat .... Ratrick
Jems .... Collateral damage

Runtime: 92 min
Country: Canada / UK
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital
Certification: USA:PG-13 / Canada:PG (Ontario)

Trivia: The entire film was shot with nothing but a good camera and goods from the Dollar store in which it takes place.

Quotes:
DSS: There is more than one way to smoke a rat.
[Everyone looks at him in shock]
Elderly woman: You should be ashamed of yourself.

No expense would be spared, no-holds-barred ammateur film, it would be great.

#6 - Lovy Dovy here I go

Well, you asked for more, and here it is; raw, untainted, unEdi/id.

This post comes in honour of my 4 month anniversary with my darling, my love Cassie. It comes to you a day early, but extenuating circumstances prevent me from doing otherwise. For all those of you who came in search of random shenanigans with no aim or purpose, I apologize, because today's endeavors have a theme, a motif, a reason; the only reason that seems to keep me going as of late.

If I were an eccentric billionaire, I would experience the world with my sweet angel. It would begin, of course, rather creepily, and very stupidly, but alas that is "how I roll." Under the veil of having won a contest I would treat Cassie and her family to an all-expenses-paid vacation, beginning with a ride to the airport via limousine. The limousine driver would be none other than a clean cut, clean shaven, sleek Pat, who speaks in a british accent and goes by the alias "Bentley."

Arriving at the airport, they would be greeted by the pilot of their private jet (a slightly more russian than usual Pat, referred to as "Ugar"). A scenic flight to the Carribean would only be interrupted by an incident in which Ugar becomes drunk at the controls, demands unsalted cashews and attempts to sing Motley Crüe's "Girls! Girls! Girls!" (Ugar is later voted "off the plane" but manages to remain aboard after agreeing to let little Pat fly the plane for a little while.)(Trust in Ugar becomes shaky when he gives Cassie a private tour of the cockpit.)

Shortly after landing at a privately owned resort everyone would be introduced to their guide and Cabana boy; Pepe (ok, he'd just be a little South American kid with spunk, I think it's funnier that way. Occasionally he would say phrases such as "Eh, look at the cha-chas on that one" when observing a rooster.) The stay would be accented with every luxury, activities like rock-climbing, kayaking, swimming with dolphins, ranting about the government and drawing nudes of "ski-mask guy." The stay however, would be "cut short" after Cassie's scandalous love affair with Heffe the pool boy, a tanned, black-haired and mustacheod Pat with a light mexican accent.

Fortunately, they would leave right on time to catch an Atlantic cruise all the way home. The Captain would reveal himself to be... Hans, a South-African, goateed Pat. Fun in the sun and fine dining at the Captain's table would be the norm aboard the Atlantis, and so it goes until docking.

Upon arrival they are greeted once again by Bentley, and the drive would prove to be rather uneventful until Bentley snootishly declares; "I say, there's so many poor people everywhere, must be the Irish, they have children by the dozen, like rabbits you kno-" and he would stiffen behind the wheel and with an expression of fear mixed with anticipation, turn slightly to look over his shoulder at the passengers, and for a moment there would be complete, tense silence, broken only by the sound of the rising tinted divider.

A return home woud be met by a stranger awaiting in the living room, dressed in Safari outfit with an absolutely snootish appearance, pipe in hand. And rising to the entrances of the homeowners would say (in the snootiest of British); "You, my friends, have been duped. I am Sir Reginald Humphrey the Third, of Scotland Yard, and I have unraveled an intricate plot. Your driver, pilot, pool boy and Captain, are one and the same; a mister Patrick is his real name. (all look at little Pat) No, no, the other one (ohs). And this Pat has duped you once more...For I am he!" (Dramatic unravelling of a previously unnoticed cape, and removal of the Safari Cap reveals the Illustrious me. (Everyone just looks at me with an expression that screams "You're so stupid, Ya bloodjy Idjut." For they all know what I look like and I did a terrible job of disguising myself.)

After this amusing yet unnervingly stupid scene, I would make it a point to sweep Cassie off her feet with voyages to South America, sidetrips through Europe (especially Ireland and Poland) and world tours dotted with sejours in Japan. And thus ends my adventure dedicated solely to you my love.

#5 - Out of exile (N.B. - excellent Audioslave song)

Today, the virtous patience of my few readers is rewarded as Spartacus rises again, Electric Pat delivers, King Soloman extends his hospitality, and Appteh strikes the keyboard at random intervals.

Today my friends, I take on a solemn tone, today I utilise my random eccentricity to benefit humanity. If I were an eccentric billionaire I would found an international relief organization to aid victims and the families of victims of one of the most painful experiences known to man; The Sneeze/Fart.

The International Sneeze/Fart Relief Agency would provide aid and support to sneeze/fart victims and their families through grants, bursaries, tax cuts and lifetime supplies of Preparation H. Prevention would be a cornerstone of the agency, with monthly magazines tailored for victims published and distributed free of charge, information pamphlets to be handed out in all high schools and interactive workshops teaching children and adults alike what to do if a loved one succumbs to this vile incident.

But what is a sneeze/fart you ask? Well, I'm not a doctor, but I pretend to be whenever I put on a band-aid. Experts have defined the sneeze/fart as the moment in which an individual simultaneously balances the pressures of the olfactory and rectal orifices by means of muscle spasm after believe that they only need to sneeze. The actual moment is followed by a uniquely characteristic phrase pronounced in an agonized tone; "owww, I sneeze/farted!"

The immediate sypmtoms are extreme pain throughout all the unprepaired areas and partial paralysis of the buttox, as time goes on the body heals, but the mind is never again the same. Please, I beg of you, donate now and ease the suffering of millions, potentially billions, make a difference now.

Until next I return from my private Hell, so long and good night.