Eccentric no more...
I find myself living out a scene similar to the famous one in Spider-man 2 and Spider man 50, telling myself that "I want a life of my own, and Eccentric Pat no more..." as I drop the hot-pink lightning bolt clad t-shirt into a back-alley dumpster.
This is an official letter of resignation, the time of the eccentric billionaire has come to an end as I find myself unable to continue, as evidenced by the steady decline in comic quality of my posts, graciously allowing a whinier tone to shine in the limelight. Suffer no delusions, I am not giving up this mantle, but rather laying it to rest, before it could be tarnished any further, in favour of something new.
Something big has happened to me not long ago, an event whose very occurence has brought about much pain and sorrow, a choice that I believe to be a huge mistake, and no amount of time nor space will change the way I feel about it. The past month or so has been a time marked by a tidal wave of chaos as I experienced the full spectrum of human emotion, lost control of many things for which I fought despite the hopelessness of it all, a time of listening to a lot of Bush (for those with real player) and Smashing Pumpkins, and a time of personal exile to spare as many as I could from the miserable excuse that was me.
In the wake of the storm of madness I find myself in a eerie state, a place that is hard to explain unless you have been there yourself. You find yourself there, and that's all there is to it. You exist, you are not alive, but you exist, and everything around you, your entire world that had so much of an effect on you is there as well, but it's not the same. Nothing affects you, nothing can touch you as you float on through mere existence. It's sheer simplicity is a testament to it's beauty, and if you could still feel, you would be happy. A strange sense of calm envelops you just before it all comes crashing back. Every thought, every feeling, every innocent crush, every passionate moment, every spiteful deed, everything wants back in. Normally it would overwhelm any sane person but this time it's different, this time you are in control and you can let in what you want. It's like Neo's awakening as "The One" and for the first time he is able to stop bullets in mid-air, except your agents are firing all the elements of your past at you. You are given a fresh chance, a clean slate, to start all over again.
New eyes, as my "loving" sister put it, but it's more than that, it's a new soul. You have been stripped of everything that made you who you are, who you were, and placed into that existence. From there you can consciously decide what you want to be, shape yourself to whatever image you desire, mold your personality, your emotions, and your outlook.
Once you've welcomed in all the thoughts and desires you want into your fortress of solitude, and everything that once tainted your soul has crashed against the rocky shores and dissipated into oblivion, you can step back and for the first time, you can see who you truly are. At this point you may realize something that I have known for a long time now; many people believe that the world is a harsh, indifferent place that you must face with the same stone-cold indifference, the truth is, the world, life itself, is not tough, nor unfair, nor out to get you. Life is the existence into which you have been introduced so as to start again, the only thing that has made your life difficult, is people. People have made the world terrible and unfair, but that doesn't mean you have to be as well. Let this rebirth open your eyes to the real you, and never forget it. You can face the world with an armor of indifference when the going gets rough, but don't let it define who you are, remember that in trying times your true self should shine through. Many do not, and will not ever, understand, but those who do, are much better for it.
On that fateful day I lost a part of myself, but in becoming less, I have become much more. In a sense I have found what I have been looking for, a safe harbour from the chaotic waters of life's oceans. I now know what I need, and what I want, whether I get it, however, remains to be seen. For now, I have found answers, I have found conclusion, I have found serenity.
I do not know where the road of life is leading, whether or not I'll return to this space, but I leave these archives intact, lest we all forget, as a chronicle of what has been, let us learn from the past and not run from it. Hopefully someone will find them and if not learn something valuable from them, then at least get a laugh out of me being ridiculous.
- Pat...out
We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us someday
Just take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
This is an official letter of resignation, the time of the eccentric billionaire has come to an end as I find myself unable to continue, as evidenced by the steady decline in comic quality of my posts, graciously allowing a whinier tone to shine in the limelight. Suffer no delusions, I am not giving up this mantle, but rather laying it to rest, before it could be tarnished any further, in favour of something new.
Something big has happened to me not long ago, an event whose very occurence has brought about much pain and sorrow, a choice that I believe to be a huge mistake, and no amount of time nor space will change the way I feel about it. The past month or so has been a time marked by a tidal wave of chaos as I experienced the full spectrum of human emotion, lost control of many things for which I fought despite the hopelessness of it all, a time of listening to a lot of Bush (for those with real player) and Smashing Pumpkins, and a time of personal exile to spare as many as I could from the miserable excuse that was me.
In the wake of the storm of madness I find myself in a eerie state, a place that is hard to explain unless you have been there yourself. You find yourself there, and that's all there is to it. You exist, you are not alive, but you exist, and everything around you, your entire world that had so much of an effect on you is there as well, but it's not the same. Nothing affects you, nothing can touch you as you float on through mere existence. It's sheer simplicity is a testament to it's beauty, and if you could still feel, you would be happy. A strange sense of calm envelops you just before it all comes crashing back. Every thought, every feeling, every innocent crush, every passionate moment, every spiteful deed, everything wants back in. Normally it would overwhelm any sane person but this time it's different, this time you are in control and you can let in what you want. It's like Neo's awakening as "The One" and for the first time he is able to stop bullets in mid-air, except your agents are firing all the elements of your past at you. You are given a fresh chance, a clean slate, to start all over again.
New eyes, as my "loving" sister put it, but it's more than that, it's a new soul. You have been stripped of everything that made you who you are, who you were, and placed into that existence. From there you can consciously decide what you want to be, shape yourself to whatever image you desire, mold your personality, your emotions, and your outlook.
Once you've welcomed in all the thoughts and desires you want into your fortress of solitude, and everything that once tainted your soul has crashed against the rocky shores and dissipated into oblivion, you can step back and for the first time, you can see who you truly are. At this point you may realize something that I have known for a long time now; many people believe that the world is a harsh, indifferent place that you must face with the same stone-cold indifference, the truth is, the world, life itself, is not tough, nor unfair, nor out to get you. Life is the existence into which you have been introduced so as to start again, the only thing that has made your life difficult, is people. People have made the world terrible and unfair, but that doesn't mean you have to be as well. Let this rebirth open your eyes to the real you, and never forget it. You can face the world with an armor of indifference when the going gets rough, but don't let it define who you are, remember that in trying times your true self should shine through. Many do not, and will not ever, understand, but those who do, are much better for it.
On that fateful day I lost a part of myself, but in becoming less, I have become much more. In a sense I have found what I have been looking for, a safe harbour from the chaotic waters of life's oceans. I now know what I need, and what I want, whether I get it, however, remains to be seen. For now, I have found answers, I have found conclusion, I have found serenity.
I do not know where the road of life is leading, whether or not I'll return to this space, but I leave these archives intact, lest we all forget, as a chronicle of what has been, let us learn from the past and not run from it. Hopefully someone will find them and if not learn something valuable from them, then at least get a laugh out of me being ridiculous.
- Pat...out
We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us someday
Just take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
posted by Pat at
7:35 PM
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4 comments
