#9 - "Bolshevik!"

"Did you just call me a member of the revolutionary group that brought about the empowerment of Josef 'The Butcher' Stalin?"
"Oh I'm sorry, I thought it was russian for 'bullshit'"

Alright, well that joke has nothing to do with this post, but I made it up a while ago and felt like throwing it out there. It's the kinda joke that doesn't make sense but you laugh out of shame, what can I say? It's what I do.

Today we return to a little bit more "regular" programming, with the outcome of last post influencing the path I take. Lying in bed one night a Kansas song started playing on my dad's computer and I found comfort in the chorus, it was a light, an awakening, the fog that had beset my mind for most of the day receded and I could see what had to be done once again.

If I were an eccentric Billionaire I would pay to have singers all over the world come out at the exact right time and place when any guy was feeling in any way as I did, and they would sing him the chorus:

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Now I said "guy" and "him" on purpose because well, I think it'd be downright offensive if a woman was told "Carry on my wayward son" and not because I'm "sexist". I'm still looking for something equally as inspirational for women, or maybe something nice and unisex, so I'm open to suggestions.

Born with a penis, destined to fail (redux)

I’m sorry, I know I promised not to spill my guts and waste cyberspace, but I can’t take it anymore.

I’m never good enough, I can never do it, I don’t mean enough.

I can’t even get my girlfriend to go to bed early when she’s sick and has to go out into the cold the next day.

Even after five years, I am incapable of having effect enough on the people who I call my friends to give me a simple “we missed you” when I couldn’t make it to prom. I’m glad you had fun, but that still hurt, and it still does, but I’m trying to get over it.

I try so hard to help my parents, but I always fail them somehow. No matter what I do, I always fall short.

I do my god fucking damned best in gym classes everywhere, but I’m never strong enough, fast enough, skilled enough. If I was a girl I would be passing with flying colours, but alas; born with a penis, destined to fail.

I’m not enough, and I rarely feel appreciated, I know that some people appreciate what I do for them but they never tell me, and taking everything on faith is not all it’s cracked up to be.

There were only two who have made me feel as if I stood up to the challenge, and only one who has consistently made me feel better than I am, but she hates me now. Is this my destiny? If so, I get it, you don’t have to keep reminding me, why give me the will to help people, if not the power?

You win life, I’ll stick to my strengths, I’ll take my books and live in hermitage. The only place I ever seem to be sufficient is in academics, thank god school’s starting again.


It's not enough
No
It's not enough
It's not enough

I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter

- edit -

After some careful consideration, I'm feeling a lot better, as will be evidenced in the next post. So thanks to everyone for showing me their support, albeit sometimes in their own strange ways.

To everyone out there who read this, and believes that someone they know might feel in any way as I did, Dr. Pat (a white coat-clad stethoscope wielding mountain of a man) has the following suggestions for a prescription:

1) If someone who cares about you asks you to do something that won't hurt anyone, or even benefits you, do it at least once, even as a token gesture, they'll appreciate it much more than you think.

2) When a friend can't be there, and you know that they would've done anything in their power to make it otherwise, let them know at least once that their presence was missed, it'll only be a token gesture once again, but once again, they'll appreciate much more than you think.

3) Do your best I suppose, if all else fails, scream at them and say that they made you that way. If they haven't killed you by that point, run.

4) Make Mike Bunn the only teacher allowed to teach gym.

5) Well you should know this by now, but let people know that you appreciate what they do for you, this is much more than a token gesture and people who don't do it will be shot from now on.

OK they won't actually get shot, but maybe they'll get scowled at and feel bad.

6) I still believe we should all stick to our strengths, people who can't drive shouldn't allowed near a car.

So that's all my friends and unknown strangers, lurking in the deep darkness of cyberspace, squealing with delight at every phrase that I type out. And remember, the smallest potatoes often taste the best in scalloped potatoes, so like the age-old expression kindly points out; it's not the size of the potato that counts, but how you use it.